The sun rose on the morning of the final match of the Kettley Captaincy. The mighty Durham City M1s had already secured their place in the North Premier League for next season at the first time of asking and now were aiming to round off the season with a lofty finishing spot. 3rd was possible, as was 8th. Stockton were the opponents - 2nd placed in the league and full of attacking flair. Victory would be tough but the yellow men were confident and excited at the prospect of not having to hear Matt Kettley’s tired and re-used cliches in the very near future. This author felt that the write-up deserved a human reporter, so no Chat-GPT has been used in the accounts that follow. Strap in for a guaranteed thriller. Certificate 15 - some minor naughty language.

Uneventful travel. Duncan away on a stag in Bratislava and Dr Will has a friend in Stockton (he is a very social chap and has a friend at every away game). Just as the pre-match changing room team talk was finishing up and getting a bit emotional, goalkeeper Blair let out a loud slow fart. Beautiful. And smelly. Like hounds before a hunt this pungent odour seemed to focus the troops and we were ready for action.

The kind students of Egglescliffe School had left a warm up football for the lads to have a quick game of “heads and vols” before we conceded we had to play hockey.

Stockton struck first! Their right wing is stacked with tricky players and as one of them forayed into the D, Will Orpin (almost confirmed future skipper) did foul the opponent. Incredibly harshly it was given as a penalty stroke. V unfortunate. Blair almost saved it (alas if he had any gas left in him some flatulence may have propelled him the extra inches required). 1-0 down, doing it the hard way. Coach John Berry looked on calmly however in full confidence the Duzza boys would recover.

And recover they did. Durham began to have joy getting at Stockton’s back line once they beat the first line of their press. Old man Ant and young man Thomas combined to not only result in a more median age but also to start creating opportunities. One of these fell to central defender with a severe nose bleed Matthew Dobison, who was on hand to tap in at the back post. 1-1.

Stockton pressed back however. Their atypical approach does make for a tricky match with them pressing extremely high onto our back line. They succeeded in stealing the ball once again and, down that favourite right flank of theirs, slotted the ball across goal to score their second. The Durham boys trailed again.

It was here that the pendulum swung. A Durham short corner shot was saved on the line by a Stockton foot - penalty flick! Or so it would have been if a particular umpire had gone to Specsavers. Clearly laser eye surgery is not all it’s cracked up to be and another short corner was awarded instead. This routine was again saved and the ball went high into the air. Time stood still as it hung above the players’ heads. Empires waxed and waned. The first daffodils of spring began to flower. And Iain Mason reminisced about his air shot two weeks ago in York which was a very enjoyable swing and a miss. He roared to signal his intentions - 30 grown men and onlookers were sure it was a guaranteed miss - but something special happened. Mason made contact with the ball and fired it sweetly into the Stockton net. Absolute scenes - 2-2.

Unbelievably enough, about 2 minutes later the ball once again ended up in the air and Mason volleyed it in. This author does not feel the second goal deserves such a fruity write-up as the general feeling was more annoyance that Mason had scored 2 really good goals in 2 minutes. Such a shame. Durham could have scored a 4th when Matt Kettley’s 32-year-old hamstrings showed they aren’t quite done yet with a rampaging run down the left flank. He fed the ball across to Welsh Connor (not to be confused with Irish Connor who is only available for nights out in the Library) who stretched well but was inches away from connecting. Never mind - the Durham boys led 3-2 at half time.

Positive feelings were shared at the half. Lovely and fuzzy. No farts.

Durham started the second half like they meant business. The back line were popping it round nicely with Jake and Dobbo teasing balls into midfield pockets. A trademark Dobbo aerial was then plucked from the sky beautifully by outgoing skipper Matt Kettley, who then found outgoing student Rob (on for a 2:1 in his chemistry degree, with his main write-ups being on the balance of flavours in Jimmy Allen’s cocktails). Rob did not disappoint the fans and delivered what may be his final ‘big twat’ as he hit the ball hard into the goal. 4-2 Durham. Stockton immediately started bickering. This is where team bad boy Jared Campbell came into his own - a few cheeky comments, a bit of finger-wagging and finishing off his performance by just lying on the floor for a bit after one of the Stockton players had initially lay on top of him. Stockton were well and truly rattled, receiving 3 yellow cards and 1 green for good measure. Steve Kettley calmed proceedings as Durham took control in the middle of the park. In fairness, Blair was called into action to perform a few very smart stops and Chris Hepworth had to show the Stockton boys that this was still his patch with a few meaty flat stick challenges. But on the whole Durham maintained good control of the second half and the game finished 4-2 with the yellow men being deserved winners.

The post-match teas were probably the best of the year - The Eagle Pub if anyone is interested. A buffet feast of fries, onion rings, burgers (with a vegetarian option), a whole range of condiments and toppings garnished with some baked beans (none needed for Blair).

This result meant that Durham M1s finished an impressive 4th in the table - only behind 3rd place on goal difference.

MoM - Mason for his 2 volley goals

DoD - Jared Campbell for JC antics