The Times has just decreed that Whitley Bay is one of the nicest places to live in the UK and Tynemouth is demonstrably lovely, so our final game of the season was to be a derby between two of the quaintest towns in the North East. The winner would secure fifth place in the league. For DCHC, that position would be the highest-ever finish from the men’s side of the club. We were far from our best, especially in the second-half, but great teams find a way to win. At half-time, Coach Jack told us we now resembled a ‘proper hockey team’ as we constricted Tynemouth, yet we only managed a single goal in the first thirty-five minutes.

That goal came courtesy of Rob Thomlinson. Rob has been on a sudden run of goal-scoring from recently, and his conversion this week constitutes his third goal in three weeks. We could have had a hatful, but we couldn’t manage to convert. There is very little else to say about the first-half, and even if there was, everybody’s memory is a bit hazy (see below). Nonetheless, we went out for the second-half feeling confident and ready to put the final cliché in the metaphor.

We played far worse, yet we scored more. Tynemouth constricted us for much of the half, and defending short-corners was a bit dangerous as we had no masks. Shez scored our second from the left-shoulder of the ‘D,’ echoing his late form from last season. 2-0. Things went a bit downhill from here. A Tynemouth short-corner became scrappy and was eventually bundled in. 2-1. Then, Timmy’s leg took a pasting. It wasn’t as bad as he initially made out, but he hobbled off for a little while. Towards the end of the game, we got back into the swing of the first-half and began to pile on the pressure again. Matt Kettley rounded off an impressive scoring season with our third goal and his classic crucifixion-esque celebration. Cue the celebrations – of which we have a vague report below only because notes were made as the night went along and were supplemented when I got home from Pizza King with the Gateshead Big.

Before that, though, what a season. After a shaky start against the teams that finished above us in the league, we rallied and began to dispatch teams in increasingly dominant performances. Highlights include beating Marton in the game’s last few minutes, embarrassing Durham Uni 4s 4-0, and our year’s first win against Donny 2s. There were some lows, such as our home loss to Leeds Adel 2s, but these lows only inspired better performances – and these better performances, in turn, inspired a superb final social.

MoM: Matthew Coe (for two years of tendentious match reports)

DoD: Chris Brown (for taking Duncan out in the warm-up)

#TheMostPoundage #PostGameCuddles #HighFliers

Social Report

The night spawned questions: what is the statistical likelihood of rolling a three on two dice? (Apparently it is 11/36). What was Tom Steel doing instead of being there and why was he so shifty about telling us? Is it ethical for barmaids to take advantage of drunk dentists by making them pay about £100 for a round of shots? However, these inquiries paled before the main question, which was gracing everybody’s lips and had been poised since December: can you touch the brown? Much to the eponymous Chris’s disappointment, he was not the game’s subject; apart from a few strokes of that magnificent beard once we were all a bit squiffy, he remained untouched. Before play started, however, he achieved the coveted Full Brown. Shakespeare asked ‘What’s in a name?’ Perhaps everything, for the Full Brown eluded us for the next few hours. We adopted a team version of the Mason-invented classic. The match-ups were

Matt Kettley v Steve Kettley
Duncan Robertson v Timmy Hassle
Iain Mason v Will Orpin
Rob Thomlinson v Matt Coe
Chris Brown v Shez

It was a metaphorical rollercoaster in all forms, especially psychological. The psychology continued at The City, where Coach Jack, Chris Hepworth, and Anth Hulse joined the merry gang. The drinking games continued with various levels of success.

Having decided against Alishaan in the interests of our health, we stumbled to Shaheen’s and had a very messy curry.

It was then to the library, where we drank Will’s prosecco and indulged in some horse racing. Eager to carve up the D Floor, we finally headed to Lloyds and gradually petered out. At the end of the night, Shez kidnapped Rob, who, as a result, only managed about an hour of sleep before 10AM. Awfully frightening. For all, it was a 2 ‘dayer.’ But it was worth it.

#InNeedOfAPleasureNaan #FireEmoji #AnyDangerOfADecentPlaylist?