Prior to our 4-0 domination of the local Uni, buffoonery abounded. Matt Kettley’s pre-match ‘routine’ was interrupted by a ladies’ team entering the changing room, Tom Steel couldn’t recognise the number five, and Will Orpin struggled to open the gate to the pitch. Once we began warming-up, however, we looked slick: Mason was banging in short-corners, our passes were crisp and flat (which pleased Coach Jack); and there was a general air of positivity, as we were keen to continue our great performances from last weekend and translate such performances into points.

Uni had an initial foray forward in their typically leggy style, but it was quickly subdued. Things went back and forth, yet the ball rarely came beyond the ’23.’ We had the better chances. Eventually, the ball came to Shez on the right of the opposition ‘D.’ Clearly intimidated by The Wasp, the opposition goalkeeper wilted like the party-bus’s tyre as Shez did his best to miss. With perhaps his first shot of the year – and saying shot is generous – Shez put us 1-0 up and the opposition keeper established a pattern of charity that would recur throughout the game. Very soon after our first goal, we had a chance for a second, as we won a penalty. For the second weekend in a row, Duncan Robertson volunteered. Weirdly, it was saved. No matter, as we scored a superb goal not long after. Great interplay in the ‘D’ between Tom Steel, Toby Fisher, and Matt Kettley saw our captain bang in a signature reverse-stick shot. 2-0 at half-time.

Coach Jack had some wise words for us at half-time, but was, overall, pleased. We continued dominating in the second-half without really getting out of the lower gears. All our moments of panic were self-imposed, such as retaining the ball for too long. A couple of short-corners for us culminated in a third goal. Rob Thomlinson had seen a brilliant swerving shot somehow saved, so Iain opted for a different tactic: flick it straight down the middle. It was waved in. As I was once told, ‘poppadom hand.’ 3-0. Matt Kettley scored his second and our fourth after the Uni keeper went walkabout. 4-0.

What a performance! The team’s students were especially pleased. If we can play like that every week – and there’s no reason to think we can’t – a late push for the Champion’s League isn’t out of the question. Next week sees us travel to Lincoln for our penultimate away-day of the season. There’s plenty of time to work on the team’s poetry on that journey and please send prayers for the party-bus!

MoM: Shez (superb performance all-round)

DoD: Matt Kettley (for his pootine) and Will Orpin (for gategate and nearly being defeated by his post-match chips) – a naan-off is pending.

#EnjoyTonight(GetACuppaOn) #ReturnOfTheWasp #I’dGiveItFiveMinutesLadies