Whitley Bay & Tynemouth M2s 0 - 4 Durham City M1s

With the usual match report writer Will Orpin away this week - the duties of recording another day in the life of Durham City M1s fall on this author. Many of you reading this are likely guessing that the task of writing this piece has been handed to me due to popular demand - the crowds baying for the return of an informative, whilst at the same time mildly humorous bit of journalism. Sadly this is not the case - and instead this is a punishment bestowed upon me due to my battles with a hedge, difficulty putting on a pair of shorts during a minutes silence, poor awareness of audio provision as well as some waterworks issues. The irony is all these comical events simply give me more to write about to embellish yet another Durham City M1s victory (spoilers - we won).

A match not too far away is always a nice treat - the convoys of cars driving north was superbly orgnaised, leaving ample time to everyone to arrive and prepare for the match ahead. The "Gateshead Big" parked up next to flexible looking hedge, leaving little space for boot opening. Despite some carefully consider manouvering there was still little space. The boot leapt open - and this author felt somewhat vindicated. Shutting it however became quite problematic - and a red faced driver had to move the car with boot open to allow it to close.

Onto the changing rooms. A slightly distant muffled music selection was playing - reminiscent of a local corner shop. This was paused (with exceptionally good timing) for a well observed 2minute silence. Getting changed whilst trying to remain dignified is quite tricky. Just before the team talk began - and I requested that the music was dimmed - it was brought to my attention that it was not a bluetooth speaker controlled by a team member but the sports centres playlist. Egg was on my face.

Enough jibber-jabber - onto the hockey. The Parks pitch played suprisingly well - possibly due to lack of incursions by local hoodlums due to the the 10 foot security fence that has recently been ereceted around it. Tynemouth started with a half court press - so the Duzza boys had to be patient - Dobbo and Alex "The Distributor" Peters leading the tranfers round the back waiting for an opening. Tynemouth actually had an early chance, but the attacker was quickly smothered in Blair (lovely image) and it came to nothing. This may have been Blairs only touch of the game. The breakthrough came after around 10minutes, with Chris Hepworth dinking a neat aerial down the right channel, Captain Kettley latching onto it and burning into the "D" and winning a short as he was hasselled from behind. Dobbo stepped up to flick from the resulting short - and bored of scoring himself he hit the ball against the left post, it rebounded, and Kettley junior slotted home. Great stuff. A short lead to Durhams second and third goals as well. The second - the injection / stopping went a bit "tits up" as they say - but the ball was retrieved by Ben Baker, fed back into the "D", and after some panic from the Tynemouth defence - John Berry bounced and grabbed the second. The third was a routine that went to it's intended target - left castle - "not-so-secret big dog" Mason fired to the right post and Matt Kettley fired home. 3-0 and cruising.

Half time team talk - more of the same.

The second half was a more chaotic affair - with Durham exhibiting a little less control, likely as Tynemouth stepped up the pitch a little. This did however leave plenty of space in behind for Durham attacks. Ant's new hair was in full flow in an almost mesmeric fashion as he plucked aerials down on the left wing, juggling the ball into the "D" setting up a great chance. Shez was buzzing around everywhere like an insect that is narrow-waisted of the suborder Apocrita of the order Hymenoptera which is neither a bee nor an ant. A goal mouth scramble which Matt Kettley should have ended with a goal was thwarted by some superb keeping (it was superb trust me). Plymming was causing all sorts of mischief as well as chances continued to be created and the ball flew across the goal mouth of Tynemouth many times just lacking that final finishing touch. The fourth goal finally came - Duncan decided to recreate "The Hobbit" and go on an adventure from left back to right wing - played in Shez on the baseline - who then found his best friend in the world Rob at the top of the "D". To the whole teams delight (and slight annoyance as it is Rob) Rob slotted the ball into the top left corner with aplomb. Superb goal - as I said slightly annoying. The "Yorkshire Buffet" immediately started demanding he be called "Top Bins" from now on - hopefully it doesn't catch on.

Full Time 4-0 win. Double Donny up next.

MoM - Rob "Top Bins" Thomlinson

DoD - Yours truly - Matt Kettley - a day of silliness

#topbins #hedgeregret #waterworks #thescalpgetsbigger